youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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