im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
two words: eviction party
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
