just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
