proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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