The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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