my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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