I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
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I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
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Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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