You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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