if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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