I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
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Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
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I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
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