one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
