Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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