He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
