just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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