I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
