I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
