I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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