Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
