i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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