I just cut my nipple shaving
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
did i walk over a car last night?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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