its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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