I should be sponsored by Trojan
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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