Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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