Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
