My sheets look like a crime scene.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
