whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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