hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
