dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
