I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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