you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
