how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
don't judge my taste in strippers
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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