my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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