I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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