I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
