I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
