i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
