Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
