I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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