woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
