i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
