I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
50% drunk capacity currently
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
