I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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