You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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