This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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