I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
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