I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
