Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
