Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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