last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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