There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
They are going to name an STD after you.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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