Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
