Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
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woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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