Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
