How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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