I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
