Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
