when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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