Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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