standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
