I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
