It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
