alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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