i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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